It’s Official: Call it the Trumpublican Party

by Rob Okun

820 words

Caution: This commentary begins with a catalog of real-life events and then satirically extrapolates (if that is even possible with Donald Trump, who seems hellbent on creating his own surreality).

Mr. Trump has been on a name-changing bender for some time. 

·       On his first day in office, he renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. 

·       Soon after, he renamed the Department of Defense the Department of War. 

·       He wants Canada to accept a status as US 51^st state (which instead has pushed our northern neighbor toward the European Union). 

·       Suddenly, Lake Ontario, according to him, is Lake America and New Mexico is New America.

In addition to his nationalist name changes, Trump seems quite fixated on naming institutions after himself.

·       Though continuously thwarted, he hasn’t quit attempting to affix his name to the Kennedy Center, now threatening to demolish it if he isn’t so honored. 

·       He changed the name of the United States Institute of Peace to the Donald J. Trump Institute of Peace.

·       Just this month, he twice proposed changing the Strait of Hormuz to the Trump Strait.

·       A new gold dollar coin features his face and name—not to mention his signature on the new $100 bill, a commemorative US passport, national parks passes, banners on various agency buildings in DC, and special investment accounts for babies. Florida also renamed Palm Beach International Airport after him. Malignant narcissism meets fawning ass-kissing.

This isn’t even counting all his overweening vanity projects (e.g., new East Wing to the White House, his triumphal arch, his disastrous Reflecting Pool mess). 

(Now the Full Satire Alert): In a move sending shockwaves through the Republican party, a top?secret document recovered from a White House shredder reveals plans to rename the GOP the Trumpublican Party any day now. Plans call for a name?change celebration on Hallowe’en, timed so the president can hand out gold?foil chocolate coins bearing his profile to trick?or-treaters on the South Lawn.

“This is the culmination of a campaign to officially recognize President Trump as the most important president in the history of our party,” said Natalie Harp, special assistant to the president. “He’s more popular than Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Ronald Reagan combined,” Ms. Harp, 35, gushed.

The 80-year?old Mr. Trump was apparently delighted that his recent midterm convention in Dallas was dubbed “Trump-a-palooza,” so it was only logical for MAGA faithful to go to the next level. Scores left the arena wearing “I’m a Trumpublican” lanyards.

Meanwhile, keenly interested in naming rights in outer space, he was recently overheard saying, “Just wait until people scanning the night sky say, ‘Look, I see the Trump in the moon!’”

The president’s recent pronouncements to change Lake Ontario to Lake America, and New Mexico to New America may be harmless and unachievable, but his aides are privately worried. The president’s behavior is generously being described only as “erratic”, and staffers are forbidden from using the word “unhinged” on the White House campus.

As excited as MAGA is, being labeled a Trumpublican carries substantial risks. “I love the president, but I wish he would stay the hell away from my district,” one incumbent representative told a television journalist. “He’s got the lowest approval ratings in history. It’s not just his handling of the economy, or how much it costs to fill your gas tank or pay for groceries. It’s also his unpopular war with Iran, and his cruel immigration policy.” Asked if she’d repeat any of that on camera, she laughed for 15 seconds straight, thanked the reporter, and hung up.

To deflect attention from Trump’s woes, old allies have stepped in. “What if we go on a naming spree of our own!?” mused former counselor Kellyanne Conway, at a recent brainstorming session. “Trumpachusetts for Massachusetts. That’ll piss off those liberal commies,” she said, adding, “and Trumpylvania for Pennsylvania.” Embattled former aide Corey Lewandowski chimed in: “How ‘bout Trumpafornia! That will definitely get under Gavin Newsom’s skin!” An aide from Anchorage floated renaming Alaska Trumplaska, and offered to ask his aunt, the state’s former governor, Sarah Palin, to endorse a new state flag bearing Mr. Trump’s face.

As word about the name game spread throughout the West Wing, junior staffers launched a pool to see who could come up with the most creative monikers. “Trumporida!” one cried out, for Mar?a?Lago’s home state. “Trumporado!” another exclaimed, a native of Denver. “Trumpouisiana,” Speaker Mike Johnson offered, renaming his home state after wandering into a brainstorming session on the paved?over former site of the beloved White House Rose Garden.

While Mr. Trump continues to goad Canada—and is now planning to rename the Bay of Fundy the Bay of FundMe, across the country voters say they are focused more on the midterms than the president’s looney tunes trade war with our northern neighbor. A voter in Maine put it this way: “There’s one more name change coming in November, Mr. President: a Blue Tsunami.”

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Rob Okun (robokun50@gmail.com), syndicated by PeaceVoice, is editor emeritus of Voice Male, which has long chronicled the profeminist men’s movement.