Can brain hacks help us have better holiday conversations?

Can brain hacks help us have better holiday conversations?

by Melinda Burrell

452 words

“Everyone should know this! This is really valuable information!” the man said. 

I was leading a training, explaining what happens in our brains and bodies when we talk across political divides. 

Specifically, I was explaining amygdala hijacks – that emotion-filled moment in a cross-divide conversation when we lose our ability to think rationally. We start shouting in fury, go silent in disbelief, or do something else, shall we say, unhelpful. 

The amygdala is the part of the brain that senses threat. Humans evolved by surviving in small groups. Because of this, we’re hardwired to sense threat if we seem out of synch with our group: maybe they won’t have our backs. Definitely threatening.

Talking with someone who has a very different worldview is the definition of being out of synch. It’s bound to set off a threat response. Possibly even an amygdala hijack.

But wouldn’t the world be a whole lot less threatening and more welcoming if we were able to talk to each other, rather than defriend or cancel each other?

To do this means, in part, learning to control our amygdala hijacks. 

First, we can learn to recognize the signs one is starting: breathing changes, hands get sweaty and faces turn red, jaws and fists clench. We might start shouting or talking fast, and we might start interrupting – or leaving abruptly.

Spend some time thinking about your personal signs that you’re having an amygdala hijack. Then, try a few things to interrupt that attack. 

·       Take a few breaths, literally getting oxygen to the brain to help you think straight again.

·       Label what’s happening to you: “I’m having an amygdala hijack.” That takes you out of your highly emotional state and starts to engage your rational brain. 

·       Pro tip? Switch from feeling threatened to being curious. Ask yourself, “What if they are saying this because they feel hurt or frightened by something?” You’re engaging your rational brain, and also starting to get to the root of the disagreement.

The goal isn’t to never get hijacked. These responses are baked into us and have kept us alive for thousands of years. The goal is to catch the hijack sooner and recover faster.

One more tip. Prepare.

Inoculate yourself from shock! Learn beforehand how “the other” thinks, so you’re less susceptible to an amygdala hijack when they say something seemingly crazy. The AllSides Red-Blue translator explains how liberals, conservatives, libertarians and others think about a range of issues. The Flip Side offers a daily email roundup of liberal and conservative takes on the previous day’s main issue.

Our country needs us to be talking to each other again. This holiday season, with a little bit of preparation, we can all make conversation normal again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Melinda Burrell, PhD, syndicated by PeaceVoice, trains and speaks on the neuroscience of communication and conflict, and teaches conflict resolution at George Mason University.